“MYTHS AND REALITIES OF SPOUSE ABUSE”

ONLY A SMALL PERCENTAGE OF THE POPULATION IS AFFECTED BY SPOUSE ABUSE

Incidents are seriously under reported.  It is seldom identified as a separate crime and therefore doesn’t show up in statistics.  Studies indicate that up to a third of the population may be involved.

BATTERED WOMEN ARE MASOCISTIC

Others do not understand why the battered woman does not leave and assume the woman in some ways gets pleasure from the beatings.  Psychological studies of the woman involved do not support this belief.  There are many reasons for staying but pleasure from the abuse is not one of them.

BATTERED WOMEN ARE CRAZY

This myth again focuses blame on the woman and her negative personality characteristics.  Again it is not supported by psychological studies.  “Crazy” behaviour adopted by the woman is usually her best attempt to survive in a very difficult situation.

WIFE BATTERING IS PREDOMINANTLY A LOWER CLASS PHENOMENON

Statistics do not accurately reflect the distribution of this problem as lower class women are more likely to come to the notice of helping agencies.  Middle class women fear embarrassment and damage to their husbands careers.  Increasing media attention is resulting in more and more middle class women revealing the extent of the problem for them.

IT IS A PROBLEM THAT OCCURS MORE IN MINORITY GROUPS THAN WHITE ANGLO-SAXON SUB-CULTURES

Recent American studies show that patterns do not vary between the different sub-cultures.

BATTERED WOMEN ARE UNEDUCATED AND HAVE FEW JOB SKILLS

The education of battered women ranges from the basic to Doctorates.  Most look at their home lives for status and satisfaction rather than their careers.  They are often willing to change or give up jobs if it will curtail their husband’s violence.

BATTERERS ARE VIOLENT IN ALL THEIR RELATIONSHIPS

Only about 20% of wife batterers exhibit violence in other relationships.  Most appear very reasonable and “respectable” outside the family.

BATTERERS ARE UNSUCCESSFUL AND WITHOUT RESOURCES TO COPE WITH THE WORLD

Many batterers have educational, professional and work related resources and skills which they use well outside the home (eg. Doctors, Lawyers, Politicians etc.).  They do typically lack personal resources necessary to form and maintain relationships. 

DRINKING CAUSES VIOLENCE

In an American study over 50% of the women felt there was an association between drinking and their husband’s violence.  There is no evidence of a causal relationship however, there is plenty of violence that occurs without alcohol being involved.

POLICE CAN PROTECT THE BATTERED WOMAN

Most battered women do not experience the police as protective.  The attitudes of some police preclude effective intervention and their presence can often make things worse.

THE BATTERER IS NOT A LOVING PARTNER

The batterer is often loving, sensitive and playful and it is this side of his personality  which induces the woman to stay.

ONCE A BATTERED WOMAN, ALWAYS A BATTERED WOMAN

This is attached to the belief of the woman as a masochistic victim who will continue to seek violent relationships.  Studies of women who have left show that they are very careful to choose a different relationship next time and many choose to remain alone rather than risk another violent relationship.

THE RELATIONSHIP WILL GET BETTER (IF YOU IGNORE IT - IT WILL GO AWAY)

These relationships are stubbornly resistant to change and rarely change spontaneously.  Even with the best therapeutic help change is usually a slow and difficult process.

BATTERED WOMEN DESERVE TO GET BEATEN

It is widely believed that the woman’s “nagging” or other unreasonable behaviours pushes the man to breaking point.  Studies do not support this.  Even if the woman does nag or act unreasonably there is no justification for the use of physical force.

BATTERED WOMEN CAN ALWAYS LEAVE HOME

It is difficult for many people to understand why the woman does not leave.  There are many factors that operate to make her leaving very difficult.  Women are brought up to believe that their true fulfilment comes from being wives and mothers;  family and counsellors often encourage her to stay;  they do not feel they have the physical resources (money, house) to provide for the children.  Finally many women are pursued and further abused when they leave and are kept in a double bind whereby they are beaten if they stay and killed if they leave.

VIOLENT MEN ARE PSYCHOPATHS

There is no evidence to support the belief that violent men have this degree of pathology.  Common personality traits are emerging, but they are amenable to change.

VIOLENT MEN ENJOY THE ABUSE

They typically feel genuine remorse about the abuse and get no pleasure from doing it.

VIOLENT MEN WON’T/CAN’T CHANGE

Whilst it is usually difficult to get them into therapy there is a good possibility of change once they are in therapy.

REGRET AND REMORSE ON THE PART OF THE MAN MEANS HE HAS CHANGED

The regret and remorse, whilst genuine, is part of the cycle and is not indicative of change.  The man usually has little insight into the complex motives for his behaviour and does not realise that change does not follow automatically just because he says he’ll never do it again.

IT IS BEST TO KEEP THE FAMILY TOGETHER TO WORK ON THE PROBLEM

The family system in violent relationships is extremely enmeshed.  Often it is necessary to have a physical separation of at least six (6) months before the dynamic change.  Work with the family can be done very effectively if the family is apart.

ONCE YOU SPLIT UP YOU’LL NEVER GET BACK TOGETHER

Separation can be a significant means of creating a new basis for the relationship which will enable productive reconciliation.

VIOLENCE MEN CANNOT CONTROL THEIR VIOLENCE

They often believe this.  It is the belief of this myth which enables them to continue to avoid taking responsibility for it.  They are quickly able to take control when taught some strategies.

VIOLENCE IS A HEALTHY RELEASE AND IS UNDERSTANDABLE

It is arguable that it is healthy for people to be aware of and to deal with their anger.  There are strategies for doing this which achieve the “release” without endangering people.